Christmas vacation is a fabulous time for reflection and remembering the important things in life. A peek inside my journal shares some of my recent contemplation, spending time alone with God.
I have time to myself. The Christmas tree is lit in the darkened room, and quiet worship music plays in the background. I have come ready to hear from you, Papa. I’m not rushed. Your grace is palpable to me, and I am grateful.
You are so big and so capable. I am undone in your presence. Your majesty surrounds me and I am amazed, awed, and so grateful. How can I sit here, so close to you I can feel it, and still I survive it? It feels so surreal to be this close to your heart. And I don’t feel like a usurper or a trespasser. I have been invited, and my way has been paid by you – my generous God and friend. I belong here, as overwhelming as that seems. You invite me, and I come. It’s not complicated. Not nearly as complicated as I usually make it.
I see all the reasons you wouldn’t want me. I see my failures, flaws, and sins blaring so loudly, trying to keep me from this holy, special place of peace with you. And it’s only me that keeps us apart – me, and my unbelief. Oh, I believe in you, but sometimes I struggle with believing what you say. That I’m your girl. That you don’t see my sin anymore once I’ve asked you to forgive me. You see my heart and my hope and my potential and what you can do through me. And you just love me for me. I don’t have to have it all together (good thing!). I don’t have to have a plan. I just come to you and you meet me here. A place where grace meets my need and you cover me. Where my pedigree doesn’t matter and I’m just the daughter that you love.
When I believe you — that it’s not about me, and it’s all about you — I can let down my guard and just receive from you. Not because of one thing I’ve done, but just because you are who you are and because of what you have done for me.
When I believe you — that you will flow through my life (my lips, my hands, my feet, my fingers) — that’s when you can use me. I don’t have a thing to offer without your touch. And you use me still. Thank you for the privilege of believing you. You have changed my life once again with that revelation, and I am so very grateful.
I wait on you and I am changed. Thank you. I don’t have to talk. I don’t have to work at it. I don’t have to DO anything. I just find contentment in being with you. I just sit and bask in your presence, and you fill my soul with peace.
How can I not adore you and want to live my life walking out the dreams you have dreamed and the plans you have planned for me? I can’t stop, and I won’t stop, adoring you with all that is in me.