I am a planner. I am not so much of a “go with the flow” person. I like schedules and plans laid out days ahead of time. I like going places I’ve been, being with people I know. I’m not what you would call happy about change.
I realize a lot of this has to do with my own anxiety. I have always been a bit of a scared person. As a child, one of my mom’s good friends told me, “We thought there was something wrong with you because you never talked to anybody!” And although it stung a little as an adult to hear her admission, I knew it was true. I have always been afraid. Of everything. And having control (or perceived control) over life and schedules and calendars decreased my anxiousness. Truth be told, it still does.
And just when I believe I’ve got a handle on my anxiety and think, “Wow, I’ve changed so much! My faith must be growing!” God moves me into a new space. A new place. Where I once again find myself on shaky ground, with a shaky schedule, unsure of what to do next…and anxiety begins to once again seep into my heart and my mind.
This is where I’ve found myself this morning.
Waiting. Wondering what my day will look like, what my schedule will be. Thinking of new places I’ll have to go, new people to meet. God, what am I doing here?
And then I hear it. That still, small voice, barely a whisper: Do you trust me?
Yes, God — but I want to know what’s going to happen. This is my oft whispered request to God.
I realize I’m not alone. Many people struggle with the unknown. Attending a training a couple of weeks ago reminded me that this is simply human nature. The speaker told us how our “logical minds” want to know what’s coming; we want to fix everything right now and frustrations arise when we aren’t able to do this.
He went on to say that the truth is, not everything in our lives can be tied up in a nice pretty bow today. Not everything is within our control to fix or change. Sometimes, we just keep going forward in our lives with that hurt or uncertainty, pain or insecurity. Often we walk with a lot of unknowns for today and our futures.
The trainer finished by stating that a life lived by faith is actually a healthier mental state than trying to live a life by logic, allowing us more mental flexibility to sit with circumstances beyond our control. He ended with a quote by John Burroughs: “Leap and the net will appear.” This leap being the definition of faith.
It confirms to me, once again, what I already know to be true from Scriptures, and from my own walk of faith as it pertains to my relationship with God.
God never said we would know what’s next. We weren’t promised a laid-out plan, security, or the ability to see ten, or even two, steps ahead of where we are at right now.
And sometimes (okay, a lot of times!) that’s hard. Seemingly cruel…if not for the things we were promised. Things like:
God will never leave us nor forsake us. God will be our strong tower. That he will take every burden that we carry. That he will provide for us, love us, give us new mercy every morning.
He even promises to calm our anxious hearts. And that’s what I need this morning.
Although I’d love some more control in my life… it’s just not going to happen. I can only plan so much, and then I need to leave the rest–the unknown–to God. And let faith take over.