It was a blur. His mouth was moving but I can’t begin to tell you what he’s saying. As I moved in and out of attentiveness I kept thinking, why? It really didn’t make much sense to me. This is the second time and I’ve seemingly done all the right things to prevent this.
As Bruce intently listens to the doctor… “Mrs. Ford, I’m sorry but you’ve had an ectopic pregnancy.” I wish doctors would use words we understand. “Ectopic….what’s that exactly?” I asked. It’s when the fetus is found outside the womb or typically in the fallopian tube. My mind was racing!! Well just move it into the right area. With all this modern technology…why can’t you? One egg in one womb, is that asking too much?
Growing up I remember watching the Brady Bunch, Partridge Family and the Walton’s. I always wanted a large family. But at age 38 it was highly unlikely.
Disappointment is a real and dangerous thing. If not caught, I think it can be paralleled to river water rushing over rocks. There is this subtle yet steady erosion of your faith. It’s beneath the surface and no one even knows its happening.
As I lay in the hospital bed I could feel a tear roll down the side of my face then slip into my ear. Bruce turns away from me in hopes I wouldn’t see him cry. I didn’t want to see the hospital counselor. I counsel people all the time, I already knew what they were going to say. They could save it!
Ok, I don’t know if you’ve ever had an internal battle going on inside of you, but it is agonizing. Part of me wants to be depressed and sad and the other part is trying to think of scriptures and the goodness of the Lord. I had a right to grieve…but I also wanted to accept my lot. (I also have a Type A personality) Unable to sleep, thanks to the frequent interruptions of the wonderful nursing staff, I laid and I prayed.
I wish I could describe what I felt. The best natural analogy would be to liken it to a huge electric blanket. But it was on top and inside me. I was overwhelmed. I felt God’s presence all over me. I sensed Him saying…I am your comforter. Then I thought, yeah a comforter, that’s what this feels like. It was in that moment I knew I would be alright. I was in the palm of His hand. I wasn’t in denial, I still felt sad that I had lost my baby, but… something was different. I just knew my Father would never leave me.
There is something amazing about God’s love. This, along with my large “faith file” has affirmed His provisional support at every point of need. When I’m sick He’s my Healer, when I’m lonely He’s my Friend and when I am sad He’s my Comforter. I love Him and am so thankful He hears me when I call.
As I look back on these years, I smile and think about the one prayer I prayed and thought He never answered. “One egg in one womb.” Hmmm…He actually went one step further. My ministry was birthed and He’s produced countless spiritual babies by turning my wound into a womb.
Prayer; Father thank you for the bottle that catches all my tears. Help me to trust You with every aspect of my life. Allow me to accept Your grace and mercy in my afflictions. Strengthen me when I am weak and remind me of Your faithfulness when my faith fails. I praise You as my comforter and exalt You as my peace. Thank You for turning pain into passion, my tears into testimonies and my disappointment into destiny. Amen.