A few weeks ago someone asked me about my testimony. I explained that I grew up in a Christian home, accepted Christ around the age of 4 and never went through a time of rebellion. She asked me, “Well, when did you make your faith your own and not your parents?” I couldn’t answer that. It feels like my faith has always been mine. Yes, I went to church because my parents took me as a kid. Then I went to a Christian college, and it was expected of me. Then I married this guy who wanted to be a pastor. Honestly, being a Christian has always been something that was expected of me.
When I have thought about what it would be like if I quit following God, I know I could never do it. Maybe it’s just the way I was “trained” but I know that I can’t run from God. I know He’s real, and I know He doesn’t want me to stray. If I did, I knew I would be miserable. The woman’s question kind of threw me, although her husband commented that you don’t necessarily need a turning point date to make faith your own. I still have wondered (then and at other times in life) – am I a Christian because I choose to be or because I know that’s what others want from me?
Christianity is expected of me. I am able to go through the motions – do devotions, go to church, close my eyes in worship, do good deeds, etc. But I have to ask myself, “What is my motivation? Why am I doing this? Am I like the Pharisees – right things but wrong heart? Do I do this out of obligation or out of love for God?” Recently, I heard someone say to God in her prayer, “I love you.” I tell Scott and my girls I love them a lot, but I don’t say those words to God very often. I don’t want to say empty words either. I want to truly mean them.
I was praying as I worked out yesterday and was telling God how I want to love Him more. Then it dawned on me, I was holding back….. I have this crazy idea in my head that if I want to get better for God or closer to Him, that it is going to have to hurt. Hurt me or even hurt my loved ones. I am scared others will have to suffer because I want to get closer to God. That sounds really silly though. Why would God want to hurt someone else just so I could improve? Shouldn’t my willing heart be pleasing to Him?
I am asking God to help me love Him more. I have asked Him to woo me. I want my heart to overflow with love for my God.