A few weeks ago someone asked me about my testimony. I explained that I grew up in a Christian home, accepted Christ around the age of 4 and never went through a time of rebellion. She asked me, “Well, when did you make your faith your own and not your parents?” I couldn’t answer that. It feels like my faith has always been mine. Yes, I went to church because my parents took me as a kid. Then I went to a Christian college, and it was expected of me. Then I married this guy who wanted to be a pastor. Honestly, being a Christian has always been something that was expected of me.
When I have thought about what it would be like if I quit following God, I know I could never do it. Maybe it’s just the way I was “trained” but I know that I can’t run from God. I know He’s real, and I know He doesn’t want me to stray. If I did, I knew I would be miserable. The woman’s question kind of threw me, although her husband commented that you don’t necessarily need a turning point date to make faith your own. I still have wondered (then and at other times in life) – am I a Christian because I choose to be or because I know that’s what others want from me?
Christianity is expected of me. I am able to go through the motions – do devotions, go to church, close my eyes in worship, do good deeds, etc. But I have to ask myself, “What is my motivation? Why am I doing this? Am I like the Pharisees – right things but wrong heart? Do I do this out of obligation or out of love for God?” Recently, I heard someone say to God in her prayer, “I love you.” I tell Scott and my girls I love them a lot, but I don’t say those words to God very often. I don’t want to say empty words either. I want to truly mean them.
I was praying as I worked out yesterday and was telling God how I want to love Him more. Then it dawned on me, I was holding back….. I have this crazy idea in my head that if I want to get better for God or closer to Him, that it is going to have to hurt. Hurt me or even hurt my loved ones. I am scared others will have to suffer because I want to get closer to God. That sounds really silly though. Why would God want to hurt someone else just so I could improve? Shouldn’t my willing heart be pleasing to Him?
I am asking God to help me love Him more. I have asked Him to woo me. I want my heart to overflow with love for my God.
This is just how I am/was as well! I always felt like I had no testimony because of this. Great to hear it from someone else I can identify with!
Great thoughts, Amber! And, I’m sure others share those same feelings. Thanks for being honest and open and sharing your heart with us. I know, for a fact, that God can’t wait to woo you!
I’m with you sister.
My Names is James Martinez, I live in Tucson Az, family man of 3 kids and 26 yrs married. I was once lost sheep, drugs and alcohol kept me blinded up until I was 35. One early morning when I arrived home all drugged up and drunk feeling really empty I knelled down, called out to God in a dark restroom in tears to help me from myself, to show me the way of being a righteous man because my guilt was beginning to become too heavy for me to carry, from that point on my life begin to slowly change. Could it be God placed people those in my life to help give me direction? Hard for mortal man to fully understand but yes I believe it, a new friend named Shawn came into my life and led me to Salvation, I so grateful, as a baby christian I still felt something missing, I eventually came across a TV station and heard a pastor talking, it caught my attention, he said, ” If you really want positive results you have to pound Gods word into your head everyday even though your flesh tells you not to, because the flesh and the spirit are at war!” Like a ton of bricks it hit me, That’s it ! That was the answer, growing in Gods wisdom to mature spiritually for guidance, I made a commitment in my heart to eat the food of life daily for the rest of my life, then I read it in Proverbs 3:5-6, whoa! Blew my mind. The spirit had revealed things to me even before I read them in scripture, so awesome! It been 11 years now taking in Gods wisdom everyday, truly wisdom is supreme! it has really transformed my mind and keeps putting my faith in higher levels, I still have my struggles with sin no doubt but I understand we are saved by the blood on the cross and not by our own works, Can I get a AMEN!!
Like you, I am asking God to help me love Him more. I have asked Him to woo me too. I want my heart to overflow with love for my God. I have been in the dark already, there no comparison, light concurs darkness BIGTIME!!