It started like any other day; get up, shower, apply makeup, etc., but before I was even finished with my morning routine the weirdness started.  As I picked up the ringing phone the caller ID read “ITT Tech.”  Odd, why would a technical college be calling me?  I’m not patient with random phone calls so, when no one responded to my greeting, I hung up.  Fifteen minutes later another call came from Kaplan University in regards to my request for information.  But wait, I didn’t request information from Kaplan, or any other college for that matter.  By the time the third call came, this one from a Green Tea company, I knew something was up and sure enough, a phone call to my credit card company confirmed my suspicions; someone was using my card.

I’d heard all the stories about stolen identity and, to be honest, I somehow thought all the precautions I take would exempt me from such a nightmare.  Besides, who would really want to be me?  Does this person know that I have an intolerance to dairy and soy products and that if she is going to assume my identity she will never again be able to eat a Hostess cupcake, a Wheat Thin, or even a good cheese filled pizza?  She just might want to think twice before she decides to be me.

It soon, however, got a little confusing.  I always thought when a person stole your identity he/she took your information, went somewhere and lived life as you; but my thief apparently had other plans.  My thief, as it turns out, didn’t really want to be me, but seemed intent on helping ME be a better me.  Not wanting to actually fund the “Nancy Holte improvement program,” he/she decided to take over my credit card account.  The first order of business, it seems, was to help me improve my education, thus he signed me up to get information about colleges, loan information, and even a course advisor.  How sweet.

Apparently he’d seen my picture, too, because he also ordered, and had sent TO ME, a product called Body Slender, which personally, I thought was a little rude.  Then, of course, there was the Green Tea order which is also, I’m told, supposed to help a person lose weight. O.K., I get it buddy, you think I’m a little chunky.  I’m not perfect, I understand, but I have other gifts; you don’t have to get nasty.

The emails to my account, which he’d also gleaned the information about, offered me Psychic readings, a new credit card and the opportunity to be a degree counselor.  My personal favorite was the order of CD’s on Living Christian that arrived on my door step.  Somehow the words “thief, learn for thyself” come to mind.

Lest you think my thief was solely concerned with my life-style improvement, be not dismayed; he also ordered Xbox Live for himself.  I mean, I assume he used it because I don’t even own an Xbox and wouldn’t have a clue what to do with Xbox live.  Then, of course there was the charitable donation that he made . . . for 10¢.  You’d think a person would be a little more generous with someone else’s money!

You know, this whole experience has me thinking.  I could “take over” my husband’s credit card account and help him “improve” his life.  Here’s what I think I’ll order for him; a maid service, a cook, a laundress, and maybe even some new clothes for me.  Once the Body Slender kicks in I’m going to need a little something if he wants me to look good.