There are a few things that are certain in this life. Carbohydrates taste good, pantyhose are from the devil, Patrick Swayze is the best actor ever and when I’m sick there is nothing more deeply soothing than 14hrs a day of gloriously sappy Lifetime Television. It never fails…ever since I transitioned from childhood sick days filled with Price is Right, I Love Lucy and Woody Woodpecker to long drawn out on the couch sick days with Victoria Principle or Meredith Baxter Bernie starring in “Don’t Touch My Daughter Unless You’re Her Father” original movies.
Today was no exception as I awoke from a sleepless night of the onslaught of the dreaded flu symptoms. I knew my only recourse was to pull out the blanket, plop down on the couch, and rest for an entire day. Even this morning I was sucked into two re runs of the ever popular Golden Girls where Dorothy was once again proposed to over Sophia’s all knowing objections only to find out that Joey Orvack, a recent divorcee of 69. really only wanted to get married because he was lonely. (Mom knows best especially when she’s 4″9 and Sicilian) So sadly at 29 minutes after 10:00am they parted. And it was on to another episode where Rose and Blanche entered a talent show for Christmas. What a way to start my morning.
At about 11:00 the newest development in my life awakens and rouses himself to the living room…my new husband. He is also sick and so they say “Misery loves company.” My husband has the gift of sleep anyway so now that he’s sick he’s in his glory that he has an excuse to get up at 11:00am. I decide since he got sick a day before me it’s his fault I’m ill in the first place, therefore he needs to go get the laundry from downstairs that was left in the dryer two days ago and then go to Save On and get me more drugs that will make me pass out until I’m among the living again.
Now mind you when I was single it was me that had to actually throw on the sweat pants and make it to the store to buy my own drugs and juice but having a man/nurse is quite handy. So then as he’s leaving I go back to my rigorous routine of searching all 550-cable channels for something meaningful to watch. But again even after perusing WE (Women’s Entertainment Network), Oxygen and others I’m happy to discover Lifetime now has their very own movie network. All Lifetime Movies all the time…. How much Morgan Fairchild could a girl ask for in one day? Am I in Heaven or what?
So I settle in on “Christmas Comes to Willow Creek” 1987 starring Bo and Luke Duke otherwise known as John Schneider and Tom Wopat, my two-first boyfriends. This movie got one and a half stars as most movies on Lifetime. If the film originally got two stars I don’t think Lifetime could afford the fees to show it. This is a touching tale of two feuding brothers forced by their dying father, played by some heavyset, white haired actor, who looks familiar but I don’t know his name, to carry a bunch of Christmas toys back to their home town in Alaska. It’s a tale of generations as Tom Wopat brings his rebellious green haired teenage son along for the journey so he can re kindle their relationship and get him to dye his hair back to brown before the end. Now John is sporting a mustache and Tom a beard. I heard that on the Dukes of Hazzard neither were allowed to have facial hair so maybe this film was supposed to be their breakout as mature actors? They still looked good in the tight wrangler jeans with the skull tobacco sticking out the back pockets. Hmmm…nothing says sexy like faded denim, chew and facial hair.
Someone pinch me!
So off they go and let the antics begin. About 12:00 Ron my husband wanders back in with my goodies and plops down to watch about 4 minutes of this Christmas Classic and he just can’t take it. He’s bored but more amazed that this movie actually got on the air…somewhere…anywhere.
“Kerri! This is horrible…why are you watching this?” Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh is all I could reply because Tom Wopat was just about to find out why John Schneider stole his girlfriend 10 yrs ago, a young pre NYPD Blue Dana Delaney, and then married her. Aha…we had now found out the riff that tore these two brothers apart and I wasn’t about to miss the confrontation. Maybe they’d have a spitting contest to settle this once for all with their Skull Chew? Who knew…it’s Lifetime…somebody was going down!!
Ok, ok…. maybe it’s a guilty pleasure and tomorrow I would have to go back to the “real world” where the MTV generation rules and Flava Flav the rapper is the king of dating TV.
But today I’m happy.
Today I’m cuddled up with my boys that bring back childhood sick day memories of Dukes of Hazzard and I Love Lucy reruns. I’m basking in the healing power of Lifetime TV and it is good.