I remember as a teenager I showed the first signs of being an exhibitionist. Well, at least I was to my sister. Standing in the backyard, I called her to her second-floor bedroom window and proceeded to flash her a full frontal, raising my shirt as high as it would go and grabbing my bra along with it. Of course, being blessed with very little in that body area, there wasn’t much to show to her or the neighbors. Still…


She was horrified. I was satisfied. I have always enjoyed the shock-value that my actions had on my much more introverted, reserved (and obviously, more MATURE) sister.


When I got pregnant the first time, the classes and doctors and books glossed over the post-birth occurance known as “breast engorgement.” In my mind, this was a bonus of having a baby: finally! I would have the giant, sexy breasts I’d always desired. My triple-a’s would be magically transformed into triple-d’s. This would, of course, be emphasized by my teeny waist because, after all, how long could it take to lose that baby tummy? A week? Maybe two…


After the emergency c-section of my first delivery, I’d forgotten about “engorgement” until it occurred. I was surprised by the pain, but even more surprised by the appearance! Perhaps moms who have gone through the physiological changes of childbirth are in agreement here? My chest was HUGE, but it was NOT sexy. Functional, yes. Sexy? My husband thought so for about a millisecond until he dared get his hand near them and I chopped it off.


However, the changes a woman’s body goes through during pregnancy and childbirth and even afterwards are necessary. They keep a baby healthy and alive. Even if a woman eventually gets back to the same size and shape she was before the baby (and, by the way, the rest of us officially hate you!), she still went through all the changes, painful and ugly-beautiful as they were.


My chest lost its impressive size long before I was done nursing, leaving a chest just as small but decidedly more floppy in its place. Over five years later, I’m still waiting for the original waist size to come back. But I embrace the change. And as for shock value?! Nothing beats engorgement! The first time my sister walked into my hospital room to visit after my delivery, I told her about my breasts. Since she didn’t look quite uncomfortable enough, I said, “check this out!” and pulled apart my barely-there hospital gown for a full frontal flash.


I’m still laughing at the image of her covering her face and shouting with sincerity, “My eyes! Dear God, my eyes!”