I miss you, Mom. How can it be fifteen years since I’ve talked with you and shared my life with you? How is it possible that you have never met your amazing, talkative, precocious grandson who has become my Mini-Me by age 11? And that you weren’t able to watch our other two boys grow into responsible, honorable young men? How has the world continued to spin without you here?

Spring has come once again, and with all the joy-filled things that satiate this season, my heart always simultaneously feels the expectancy of spring and the incredible loss of missing you.

This used to be the time of year when I had to find a way for a “quick trip” home because there was too much space between a Christmas visit and one in the summer. And you’re not there to visit anymore.

Five years ago, I prayed and asked God to lessen my grief over losing you, because it was so difficult to even function each spring for several weeks. And he answered my prayer. One day, four years ago, I realized that I was “waiting for the other shoe to drop” in the depth of my grieving cycle. And it never came. The grief had indeed lessened.

Except for these times when I can hardly catch my next breath, when it feels so strong again. Oh how I miss you today. Mother’s Day looms close, and it happens to fall right on the anniversary of your transfer of address to heaven this year.

The lump in my throat has returned.

Fifteen years. How can it be? I know it is only by the grace of God.

And yet, I am able to function because I believe what the Bible says about heaven. You loved and trusted Jesus (Revelation 21:27), so I know that you are safe and happy and no longer suffering (Revelation 21:4 and Philippians 3:21). You are surrounded by beauty and bounty (Revelation 22:1-5 and Revelation 21:21-25). You are in the perfect place that God prepared for you in advance (John 14:1-3 and 2 Corinthians 5:1). And I know that it is so much better than I can even imagine. 1 Corinthians 2:9 (ESV) says, “As it is written, what no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

I can function because I believe too. I believe that Jesus is also preparing a place for me, and that someday we will once again be reunited. I will look forward in hope and remind myself to take the days as they come.

Photo courtesy of Flikr and Robert Catalano, photographer.