I gave my heart to Jesus as a young child. Growing up in a Christian home, I knew that we prayed over our meals and at night before we went to bed. I also knew that if I was in a tough place I could ask God for help, but I didn’t understand how he wanted me to connect with him all day long, no matter what was going on.
As an adult, I hungered for a deeper prayer life and revelation of his Word, and it was through that hunger that I sought out books, teachings, mentors, and friends that challenged me to go deeper. My love of the Psalms helped me understand how I could talk to the Lord about anything, even if I was struggling, emotionally drained, or angry. He always satisfied that hunger, but he is also kind and didn’t go where I didn’t allow him in my life. There were things in my life that I wouldn’t talk to him about. I journaled, and even my journaling was cryptic. I kept something hidden until the day the Lord said it was time.
It was the day I was at my very bottom that the Lord gently whispered to my heart that it was time. I had experienced several miscarriages and had become deeply depressed after I heard the enemy’s whisper that my babies had died because I had killed my baby so long ago. The pain and the memory of that fateful day came swirling back up to my thoughts. Years before, at age 20, after moving away from home, I became pregnant and had an abortion. This decision nearly destroyed me, but I learned how to stuff it down very deep. I did this so that I couldn’t feel the pain and could continue with “life as normal” and nobody would know what I had done. Though I had shoved it down to a deep place so I wouldn’t think about it, it was always there, hidden and entwined with how I viewed God, myself, and my life.
Eleven years later, I recommitted my life to the Lord. During this time, I had asked the Lord for forgiveness for what happened “that day” but I could never speak the word “abortion” to him, not even in the most intimate times that I had with him. The guilt, the shame, and the way it would make me cringe just thinking about the word kept me from speaking to him about it.
But this day was different. Having never spoken the word abortion to Him, I was shocked and thought I hadn’t heard him right when he whispered, “It’s time for you and I to go back to the day you had your abortion.” He is such a gentleman. Even the healing that he had for me was only going to happen if I allowed him into that time and opened my heart to receive all that he had for me.
I did allow his healing love and truth into my heart that day. It may have taken me 20 years to let him in, but his healing was right on time. He was so gentle and kind and helped me to see how deeply he loved me, even at the moment that my baby was taken out of my womb. My ugly, dirty sin was not too much for his grace and love. Over the next several years, I received even more healing when the spirit of shame was broken and I experienced the depth of his love, forever changing who I know and trust him to be for me.
If there are things that have happened in your life that remain hidden or that you feel that you can’t talk to the Lord about, they are keeping you out of the intimacy he desires to have with you. Receiving forgiveness or forgiving others is a beautiful beginning to walking in intimacy, but there is another layer that he wants to peel away so that you can experience even more of his love and truth for you. He doesn’t want you to stay bound up by wounds and lies. He longs to heal you and set you free.
Remember, his love and passion for you is greater than anything that lies hidden in your heart.
Elle Stahlhut Roetzel has walked through the aftermath of poor decisions, storms of cancer, and death of a spouse but has discovered victory and how to overcome. She is a coach, author and speaker and writes more on her blog https://elleunlimited.com/.