As I sat there shaking my belly, I cried out, “Cassandra no, please, please Cassandra!” I suddenly stopped as I tried to think through what had just happened. The room seemed foggy and different than it was moments before. The sun that was once shining through the window had disappeared. It was almost as if the news we heard ripped the sun out of the sky. I tried to grasp what just happened but I did not know where to start. My mind was full of so many thoughts and questions, but at the same time, it seemed clouded with confusion. It seemed as if I was all alone when I heard the soft sound of my husband suddenly to my side. I turned my head to find my husband sitting in a chair curled over, and gripping his face. I began to think through all the confusion in my mind and think that maybe this is a dream.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door as I heard someone walk in the room. I looked up to find a woman dressed in pink scrubs standing before me. “Is there anything I can do right now for you?” she said in a gentle voice. I felt this bitter taste fill my mouth as my husband lifted his head showing his dyed red eyes. He cleared his voice and a tired tone came out of his mouth saying, “You can bring our baby back?” At that moment, I knew the thought of this being a dream would never be completed. The doctor really just told us our baby girl was gone. Even though she was still inside of me, no shaking of my belly would bring her back. She is going to be born in a little while but we would never bring her home. Instead, we would have to say goodbye.
The day we lost our daughter I remember vividly. No matter how much time passes by those details stay stuck in my head. When we lost our daughter the day before she was scheduled to be delivered, we experienced pain we never thought existed. Yes, I had issues with the pregnancy but nothing was showing signs that my sweet baby girl was suffering from my problems. Many people have asked if I was mad at God for taking my daughter that day. People would tell me it is okay to be upset at God because He understands my pain and sadness. Many times with grief, people do experience this anger towards God, but I never experienced it myself. I felt no anger at God for taking our sweet baby girl, as He did not create the illness that took her. He saw her suffering and saved her from that suffering. He took her to heaven where I know she is safe and I will see her one day again. God is always in control even though it is hard to understand when we lose a loved one or have another difficult situation in our life. We never know what the plan for our life is, but God knows. Throughout the time since I lost my daughter in March 2009, I have spent many days and nights thinking about why this would happen to me. Wondering what I had done to deserve losing my child. I have realized through dealing with my grief that God only gives us what we can handle. God is in control and knows all. He knows this loss will lead me to help others through their sadness caused by their own loss. Taking this experience and finding ways I can use it to bring strength to others helps bring comfort to my own grief. Grief is a long process that does not heal on its own. I have learned even more than before that I need to trust in the Lord and lean on Him for comfort to make it through my sadness. When I am sad, I use prayer and His scripture to help remind me how much He loves and cares for me and does not want to cause me pain. The Lord is always here for us and no matter how we feel or what we are going through, He is there to listen to us and help us make it through our sadness.
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