I realized an important lesson most conflict in marriage is based on one word absurdity. The basic joke on all of us is that in marriage two totally individual souls are forced by law or mothers in law to live together under one roof with no additional instructions. Pre Marital counseling doesn’t cover the things that have come up in my home, at least not so far.
Before when I was engaged I was afraid my future spouse would find out all the “tiny little ” secrets that no one knew about me. Like the fact that my medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy not only from every prescription drug, or cream or female ointment on the market, I also have a bad addiction to stealing samples from the cosmetics counter or buying anything if in involved the word” Anti Aging or Free Gift!”
Not to mention I’ve always had my own ritual of taking my “special medicine” in the middle of the night which is stored in the freezer and usually is from Dr. Ben and Dr. Jerry and is taken in large spoonfuls. It’s not for anyone else to know that I sleepwalk into the kitchen on a regular basis because my body is craving that “fix” take a few bites and wander back into my bed happy and content. I’ve been doing this for years and it works for me.
My dear husband and I have recently decided we needed to do some calorie counting and make smarter choices with our food. i. e: I want him to lose weight and vice versa. So instead of Ben and Jerry’s we’ve been buying “Breyers Light.” It still does the job.
I hit an all time low the other day when my own mother called me out in the Panera Bread Company at the register when I ordered extra cheese on my sandwich. I said, “What’s the problem Barb? Am I fat?” She Replied, “Well it’s not that you’re fat. You’re just built like your father and you’re getting a little Hefty! And you know what comes after Hefty…. don’t you? Heavy! That’s right honey and God don’t like Heavy!” ” Ok Mom! We can’t all be blessed with a hyper thyroid!” She weighs 105. My father does not!
So last night I read in some magazine that in marriage the couple should retire to bed at the same time. I don’t know why but I’m sure they got that from Brad or Angelina. I decided to make my night owl husband go to bed with me at 9:30pm. He laid there for 4 minutes and said, “I just have to finish one piece of work on the computer and I’ll be right back!” “Right Back? I said. “Yeah in just a few minutes!”, he responded.
So I drift off to sleep thinking we’d wake up at 6:00am the next morning as I always do with a totally better marriage because our new ritual. Well I woke up at 11:45 and guess what? No husband! I came out and saw him on the computer “working” which means playing “Super Mario Brothers” on Yahoo games. He sheepishly smiled and said “Honey go back to bed I’ll be right there.”
So being the submissive wife I am I went back to bed only to wake up at 1:10 am alone and completely mad. He was ruining my plan for marriage bliss by not following instructions. I went into the computer room and exploded at him in my half awake state and wandered into the kitchen for comfort. I reached for the ice cream and got the “big spoon” out of the drawer completely in the dark mind you. Something about if it’s dark there are no calories and I plunged into the “Mint Chocolate Chip.” The thing is I’m used to doing this alone and some nights it’s 2 bites and some it could 22 it’s not for me to say. We have to listen to our bodies girls.
So I’m “self medicating” and who appears behind me? I can hear his breathing on my neck its Ron my “Super Mario Master.” I felt that he was invading my personal space.
He asks, “What are you doing?” I said, “This is none of your business. Go back to wherever you came from. This isn’t about you!” Now I’m even madder at him. He says, “You’re funny!” Now I know my job is a stand up comedian but I don’t get that my act is what’s he’s referring to. I kept eating. “Why am I funny? Do I amuse you?” I said in my toughest Joe Pesci (Goodfellas) voice still half asleep of course.
“Don’t you find what you’re doing a little bit funny?” This is the crossroads we women face. Men just don’t understand anything about us at all. This picture of a woman mindlessly putting gobs of ice cream her mouth isn’t funny it’s serious. It’s what we women need to do in times like this. I told him to go back to bed and I meant “Now!”
So he actually did what I asked for once he went into the bedroom. I know he fell asleep because that wasn’t a train horn I heard but the familiar sounds of his snoring. I kept on eating. I finally put the spoon down and went to bed. Now what happens? I have total brain freeze from eating the ice cream too fast and my teeth are painfully tingling and now I’m even madder at my husband for causing all of this to happen. Talk about ritual. None of this would have ever occurred if he had come to be at 9:30 because this latest ice cream binge was the biggest one yet. And now I was paying for it. So what did I do? Of course I woke him up telling him I thought it was rude of him to be sleeping at a time like this.
He said, “Isn’t this what you wanted Kerri? You …me…sleeping in bed…together…and now you wake me up? What is it with you women? What is your problem? Why are you so upset? Now I’m wide-awake and I can’t sleep! Kerri? Kerri? Honey? Answer me! Wake up!”