Almost three years ago, I went through one of the biggest life changes I had ever experienced: becoming a Mummy. There’s nothing quite like it. The love you suddenly feel, the joy, the sheer amazement, the wonder of God. Yet along with this came more, an overwhelming sense of fear.
The new responsibility of having a child that I so desperately longed to get right, along with the worry ‘what if I don’t?’ No one tells you about those things. The question is, or was, how would I deal with it?
I’ve loved Jesus since I was little, almost 28 years now. I’m passionate and long to do great things for him yet I’ve often struggled with fear. Fear of what I looked like, of stepping out and something going wrong. I guess I had just learnt to live with it.
Those things that made me afraid, I avoided. I ignored the promptings of God to trust him, shying back because I just didn’t want to be put in those situations. I just couldn’t trust God, or so I thought.
When I gave birth to my son, so many new fears swept in, I literally felt overwhelmed by it all. I loved motherhood but I hated the fear and unlike so many previous fears, these ones I couldn’t avoid. You can’t ignore the fear of “what if I’m not good enough as a mum” or “what if something happens to him, or me, so I can’t be the Mummy I need to be.” These fears needed confronting.
When I gave God my life, I allowed him access to it all. Gave him permission to do what was best, decided to trust him. I look back on those difficult first few months with thankfulness because had God not allowed me to go through them, perhaps I never would have realised how far I’d fallen from his call. Perhaps my eyes would never have been opened to the fact that I was trying to protect myself, rather than completely trusting him.
In the first weeks as I felt bombarded by fear, I started doing all I could to go to him. As my amazing sister reminded me, when we are in an attack, we need to be feeding on his word, as it is quite literally our sword! During nighttime feeds with my 5-week-old baby I sat and watched Joyce Meyer preach, I read books during nap time, I prayed, I worshipped. I didn’t have the energy to spend hours studying the Bible but I fed on it at every little opportunity.
Initially when fears came I might chat to my husband, asking him “what if this happens,” “what if I get this wrong,” and every time he would say, “go and pray.” Initially, I’ll be honest, that annoyed me, but the more he said it the more I did it.
I felt that I was clinging to my Father, barely hanging on by a thread. Now I look back and see that he was holding me through it all, never allowing me to go through more than we could bear together.
He knew I would go through these difficult things, but in his great love, he decided to allow me to, knowing that in them I would find him. And when we find him, the one who loves us with a perfect love, our fears diminish as “perfect love casts out fear.”
Becoming a mummy was incredible. Fear was not. However, I now know something that has literally changed my life. Fear is not of God; it’s possible to feel it, but choose to live without it. Cling to him. Pray, allow him to speak to you through his incredible word and as you do, the fear will go. As we see who he is, how much he loves us and holds us, what can possibly make us afraid in comparison!
About Guest Contributor Kate Bellingham: My name’s Kate. Two and a half years ago I became a mummy. My life massively changed! I left my career, fell madly in love and started on the biggest learning curve of my life. I have learnt many things since then but the biggest by far is that by the grace of God all things are possible. God has given me wisdom when I’ve needed answers, given me strength when I’ve been overwhelmed and given me capacity beyond my natural ability. I write a blog because honestly some days we all need something to read where we can find hope, encouragement or just a place to hear it’s normal! You can find it here.