When a difficult situation, a giant, is in front of you, there are two ways to face it. You can be filled with fear and try to run. Which usually gets you nowhere and in the end makes the situation harder. Or, you can attack the giant with faith. A faith backed by the presence of God and defended with the prayers of many. Fear? Or faith?
Often fear is an easier choice. Sadly, I have slipped into choosing fear at times. Right now, the giant that is before me has scared me to my very core. It shook my spirit and the thought of it breaks my heart. Unfortunately, I know just how difficult this road can be. Avoiding it, running with fear, may seem like a much better option than having to face it.
Last Friday night, I did just that. I was curled up in my fiancés arms. Eric was holding me as a cried and cried. I was sobbing so hard, I could not stop. There were moments in all those tears that I was asking God to please just let me die. I honestly felt that the pain that was in my heart was breaking it. At that moment, my giant was winning.
What is possibly that bad? Cancer is that bad. Cancer is a giant you cannot run from. Three days before my Friday night break down, Eric found out he had Colorectal Cancer. I was in the room with him, when two doctors walked in, with “that” look on their face. They told Eric they had found a mass and were sure it was cancerous. How could Eric possibly have cancer? We were just getting ready to start our lives together. I am so incredibly in love with him. The worst part, this feeling was all too familiar…
In 2005, I married the love of my life. My boyfriend of 3 years, Duane. He was a police officer and in the military. His desire to help others inspired me. I was crazy about him. After eleven months of marriage, he was diagnosed with brain cancer. He went through surgeries, chemo and radiation. In late 2007, he was given a clean bill of health. We soon got pregnant and in August 2008 we had a beautiful baby girl, Hope. When Hope was just 10 months old, we found Duane’s cancer had returned. After a nightmarish 10 months, surgeries, different chemotherapys and slowly watching Duane slip away, he died. In March 2010, Duane went home to be with the Lord.
After going through that, all I could do was remember what it was like to walk into “our” house alone. I will never forget what it felt like to walk into the home we built alone and to know Duane would never be there again. Walking into the entryway and seeing his shoes. Looking at the island in the kitchen and seeing his hat. Dreading to go into our bedroom, but feeling something pulling me there. Only to walk in and see our bed, sheets and blankets still a mess from when the paramedics carried him out after his last major seizure. I relive that moment time and time again. But, at this moment, while curled up, in Eric’s arms, tears rolling down my face- I am picturing going through this and loosing Eric. My wounds are too fresh to not feel this way. I know how incredibly hard it was to watch Duane go through cancer. Where was I going to find the strength to do it again?
After 20 minutes of crying and Eric consoling me, I stopped. I told my giant, my fear, that my God is bigger than this. My faith is going to hold me up, hold us up. Our Lord does not make these things happen. But, he does use everything for Good. At that moment, I forced those images out of my mind just as fast as they came in. What the devil intends for evil, God uses for Good! God has a plan much bigger than I can fathom.
I know I will have weak moments again as we walk down this path. But, that is ok. God did not intend for us go through hard times alone. I am so thankful for my relationship with the Lord. He walks with me, He holds me up and times when I feel I cannot go on, He has carried me.